BHM

Generally a collection point for vermin

A valet is only as good as the man holding the cleaning machine doing it. If you're only getting a few cars rutted-out don't bother going down the black market employee route. Try the various local valeters until you stumble across the one good one & then stick with them. Personally I found the various Syrian & Eastern European services poor. They've seen the prices, got a hard-on, bought some chemicals & equipment and only want nice easy retail work and couldn't manage to PROPERLY clean out a right old stinking pig! After your valet you'll need to dehumidify and possible ozone the car because the best valet in the world will not permanently shift the smell of pure filth or cigarettes.

Jimbo, think long and hard. Get a few quiet weeks of sales added to a few knackered cars and then find it's rent time again (I'm assuming most rent) & you'll feel the pinch. Also you won't run a pitch single handedly so you got wages to consider. It's a big jump going from a one man band to going into a unit & becoming an employer on top of what other contributors have said.

Absolutely desperate here sweet f.a. sold for nearly a fortnight, my glory month was last month, it would seem. I've had plenty of interest of the dreaming/timewasting variety & a couple of traders I know have made a couple of discounted sales. Another few days of this & I'll shut the door for a week & naff off. I'm getting grown men phoning who are "Definately tomorrow" but tomorrow's phone call never comes, a credit card wielding immigrant (no good to me), the most optimistically priced p/xs I've heard in ages, dreamers phoning asking if the car's still available (cos if it is they'll be coming in 4 days to see it ), insulting "cash now mate" offers, ridiculous "cash, no come back, no hassle offers" that in reality are anything but hassle free and the usual men (ahem!) talking-the-talk then saying they have to consult their missus . I wouldn't embarrass myself in the manner many of these twats do.

That's one of the best I've heard in ages! Christ, and I thought my punters were dozy.

It's depressing that so many of the general public are that thick.

They're mad. I've just had one of Peterborough's finest on the phone. From what I could understand they've got an 08 Astra hatch with the desirable 1.3 Fiat diesel, no history, wheeltrimmed up & 2 months MOT. Mine for £1450! No thanks.

Yep, everyone I've spoken too are dead - I might as well be shut, in fact even half of the email idiots have disappeared. Any interest seems to be cos their car is knackered - either written off, the MOT tester has crucified it or it's simply ground to a halt. Also, unfortunately the average private man's valuation of his knackered p/x is somewhat optimistic

mistermuttley, no chance at all cos punters nowadays do not give a toss about you, your business or your family finances. EVERYTHING is for sale until I have a deposit. I make appointments ON THE DAY "phone me when you're setting off" but even then I sometimes add "it's first come, first served". How many times has some pure time-wasting c*** promised you "I'm coming to buy" only to either let you down or come & f*** you about then say they've got 5 more to see. Sorry if this seems extreme but I'm trying to get my point across - it's a war out there & the spoils are hard to come by. Serious punters will get their arses into gear. F*** those who are left behind, most of them will usually get the silver medal anyway cos they piss about.

Desperate times.

I'd have a field full of £500 tat any day of the week (assuming it's ok, that is). The shite sells within days, I've got £2000 cars here that are welded to the floor.

MattS, the only way of doing trade insurance on the cheap when you're a young man is not bothering with it! Obviously illegal but that's the truth of it. I'm afraid any business start-up takes 3 things; Time Money Effort If you're short of any one of those things then don't bother.

Prime stock! I'd have a forecourt full of it any day of the week.

Yep, too bloody true. Occasionally I get the odd visit on one of my bangers from someone who APPEARS reasonably solvent if judged by the newness of their motor. It soon transpires their car's being returned to the finance company & they haven't got a pot to piss in. He are a few examples; 9 mth old Corsa bought a £375 Mazda 3. His Mrs. turned up looking somewhat dismayed that it's a shed. My response "yes it is, that's why it's £375" 3mth(!!) Jag F-Pace viewing a £800 Laguna (man going bankrupt). Couldn't proceed cos he wanted to pay by credit card. 3year old Audi A6 viewing a £800 Fabia. Fussy as f***, talking the big man's talk, just wants the car "as a stop-gap for 2 months". When asked about the Audi he starts coughing & spluttering. Daddy pays for the car.

That's bullshit - no one tells me how I spend my money. Man up!!

If you don't want it tell 'em it's theirs & explain why. Simples.

Hahaha, spot on! I can understand needing very approximate figures occasionally but if some of these supposed traders need an app to give a realistic valuation God help them! No app I know will give an assessment like "trade vet" just has.

Here's the latest "issue" for one of my punters. It's some scratching to the internal driver's door handle. "What is this vehicle???" I hear you cry. Is it a £15000 S-class? Is it a 3 year old 7 series? Perhaps it's a 16-plate Range Rover? NO!!! ITS A BLOODY 13 YEAR OLD P/X BERLINGO THAT IS OTHERWISE IN SURPRISINGLY EXCELLENT CONDITION.

Q1. Why don't you get yourself an accountant on board & make life easier for yourself? It's a few quid per year & you'll know it'll be right. Q2. You don't have too. It's your money & your business so you can do what you want with it & all of your debits/expenditures will be shown on your accounts anyway. I think you're looking at this from the perspective of an employee justifying themselves to their boss. As long as your books tally a problem should only arise if you banked too much money.

Let's be honest here, you know you ain't going to get "back street rates" from the front of house. However in answer to your question, yes they're pricey & as for the bumper on the Golf I suspect the painters a lazy so-and-so.

SQUEEZE MY HOSE. IS IT STIFF?????

Hahaha, you've got more chance shagging the Queen while Lord Lucan rides past your bedroom window on Shergar's back. It beggars belief how many people expect to receive professional advice f.o.c.

Not with me they can't cos I'm not on it. Put them on on Sunday night for the early week trade otherwise you'll get the Sunday arseholes.

TALES FROM THE BOTTOM END OF THE MARKET (may the Lord give me strength!) PUNTER1: Hi, I phoned yesterday about the Polo. ME: Sorry, it's sold. PUNTER1: It was yesterday, you might remember me. You said it was still for sale. ME: Yes that was yesterday. Today it's now sold. PUNTER1: But you said yesterday it's still for sale. ME: Yes, that was yesterday. Now it's today & it's been sold. PUNTER1: But you said it was still available. ME: Goodbye, Sir. Thanks for your call. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PUNTER2 (in person): The car's a 3 door!!! ME: Yes it is, it's the one you & your husband phoned me about 3 times yesterday. PUNTER2: But..but..they're shite to get into the back of. I didn't know it was a 3 door. ME: Yes they are shite to get into. Just leave it cos it's cheap & it'll sell soon enough. unfortunately she squeezes her ample frame into the drivers seat for a test drive, so I chuck her the keys & tell her to get on with it. On her return......... PUNTER2: You'll be reducing the price cos it's a 3 door & full of scratches. ME: No I won't, a 2007 Peugeot 207 HDI at a grand will sell soon enough. PUNTER2: Why not??? You have to!!!!!!! ME: No I don't, just leave it if your family can't squeeze into the rear seat. Go to Halfords, there are push bikes on the shelf costing more than this. PUNTER2: It's too much, it's one of the most expensive. I can get a cheaper one anywhere. ME: Really? A 2007 207 HDi at £1000 with a new MOT yesterday & it's too expensive? I'm not sure what planet you're from but you'd might as well just go & buy one of these cheaper ones. I can't find one on the internet so you must have a better search engine than I have. I then turn to the (thicko) husband & tell him what I think. The poor spineless wretch grabs his wife's hand "Come on, lets go!" and scurries off. Car sold 2 hours later (thank the Lord!)

Exactly - it's hardly rocket science. If I believed "expert" valuations on 10yr old Ford Focuses I'd be bankrupt cos I'd never sell another again at their prices. You can become obsessed with various professional third party gimmicks but in this game you need to have a "feel" for local pricing & desirability.