LINGsCARS 24 Posted April 2, 2020 "Stay in the Dealership", "Support the NHS", "Save Lives" is the mantra being chanted in secret locations up and down the country as "super-target" car salesmen entice gullible customers with crack cocaine and 0% finance offers, to buy illicit new cars in the dead of night. These are the franchised dealer operations the new-car industry doesn't want you to see. "Covid Conversions", in the slang of the trade. Raids by police have been few and far between, as the dealers have been branding the secretive events as "key-worker mobility evenings." In truth the real action starts around 2am, and continues until the bacon sandwiches arrive at 04.30. Key workers, my arse. Scalding cups of coffee are handed around in single-use polystyrene beakers as an attempt to force the hapless nervous customers to linger as they socially-crowd around the latest model. Under the showroom LEDs, a whimpering and sweating junior salesman with a new, glossy folded brochure pinned across his nose and mouth with elastic bands looped tight around his ears, demonstrates the latest version of parking sensors - which bleep aggressively when a human body heat is detected 2m away, or closer. "Keep back". Indeed. The more experienced salesmen stand well back behind the crowd, gripping thermometer guns like tazers, socially distancing but ready to pounce. The sales manager's office has faded "Danger Radiation" tape stuck across the floor and door at 2m intervals to forcibly space out the staff who claw at the venetian blinds on the partition windows. "Nock [sic] with ur ellbow" is sellotaped on the door. The salesmen begin to crowd around desperately like salivating zombies, trying to get a valuation or a monthly figure on the latest new model SUV with positive-pressure oxygeneted aircon pollen filters (PPAC) always ticked at the top of the enhanced option list. That means a mandatory Summer/Winter pack, which earns a nice £150 Brucey bonus. Single use biros are hurled into sharps bins like hypodermics in a legal shooting alley (the DP's office), after scribbling sweaty signatures on cooling-off-waiver forms. Cash is steam-cleaned by tattooed valeters before being counted, and banded in £thousands. On the ramps, two well-spaced out technicians are rushing through 5-minute PDIs, at 500% efficiency, so the workshop is working normally at full strength. The parts department is still asleep. At 5am, the last of the brand new cars have been plated and fuelled at arms length with 2.5 litres of petrol dribbled in, given a quick blast of dettol spray inside as reassurance that the valeters aren't Covid-positive. VRRRMM! The new motors are on their way to the front of the queue at the nearest IKEA C19 testing station, their new owners madly waving their fake NHS ID badges like old people wave blue disabled parking passes. "I'm a doctor, you fuck! Gis a test!" By morning, it's a ghost main-dealership again, the punters have vanished. The demos have disappeared. Only the litter of empty alcohol-handwash bottles on the showroom floor gives any clue to the action a few hours earlier. A solitary cleaner in a surgical mask and marigolds works slowly across the floor with her mop and Flash. "Kills 99% of Corona germs". The activity has completely died. Head office are none the wiser as they are all "busy" at home, and the salesmen are back to moaning how the 80% furlough salary is "below the fuckin' bread-line, so thank fuck for this top-up". Tomorrow night is a full moon! I was bored... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Casper 272 Posted April 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, LINGsCARS said: "Stay in the Dealership", "Support the NHS", "Save Lives" is the mantra being chanted in secret locations up and down the country as "super-target" car salesmen entice gullible customers with crack cocaine and 0% finance offers, to buy illicit new cars in the dead of night. These are the franchised dealer operations the new-car industry doesn't want you to see. "Covid Conversions", in the slang of the trade. Raids by police have been few and far between, as the dealers have been branding the secretive events as "key-worker mobility evenings." In truth the real action starts around 2am, and continues until the bacon sandwiches arrive at 04.30. Key workers, my arse. Scalding cups of coffee are handed around in single-use polystyrene beakers as an attempt to force the hapless nervous customers to linger as they socially-crowd around the latest model. Under the showroom LEDs, a whimpering and sweating junior salesman with a new, glossy folded brochure pinned across his nose and mouth with elastic bands looped tight around his ears, demonstrates the latest version of parking sensors - which bleep aggressively when a human body heat is detected 2m away, or closer. "Keep back". Indeed. The more experienced salesmen stand well back behind the crowd, gripping thermometer guns like tazers, socially distancing but ready to pounce. The sales manager's office has faded "Danger Radiation" tape stuck across the floor and door at 2m intervals to forcibly space out the staff who claw at the venetian blinds on the partition windows. "Nock [sic] with ur ellbow" is sellotaped on the door. The salesmen begin to crowd around desperately like salivating zombies, trying to get a valuation or a monthly figure on the latest new model SUV with positive-pressure oxygeneted aircon pollen filters (PPAC) always ticked at the top of the enhanced option list. That means a mandatory Summer/Winter pack, which earns a nice £150 Brucey bonus. Single use biros are hurled into sharps bins like hypodermics in a legal shooting alley (the DP's office), after scribbling sweaty signatures on cooling-off-waiver forms. Cash is steam-cleaned by tattooed valeters before being counted, and banded in £thousands. On the ramps, two well-spaced out technicians are rushing through 5-minute PDIs, at 500% efficiency, so the workshop is working normally at full strength. The parts department is still asleep. At 5am, the last of the brand new cars have been plated and fuelled at arms length with 2.5 litres of petrol dribbled in, given a quick blast of dettol spray inside as reassurance that the valeters aren't Covid-positive. VRRRMM! The new motors are on their way to the front of the queue at the nearest IKEA C19 testing station, their new owners madly waving their fake NHS ID badges like old people wave blue disabled parking passes. "I'm a doctor, you fuck! Gis a test!" By morning, it's a ghost main-dealership again, the punters have vanished. The demos have disappeared. Only the litter of empty alcohol-handwash bottles on the showroom floor gives any clue to the action a few hours earlier. A solitary cleaner in a surgical mask and marigolds works slowly across the floor with her mop and Flash. "Kills 99% of Corona germs". The activity has completely died. Head office are none the wiser as they are all "busy" at home, and the salesmen are back to moaning how the 80% furlough salary is "below the fuckin' bread-line, so thank fuck for this top-up". Tomorrow night is a full moon! I was bored... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LINGsCARS 24 Posted April 2, 2020 But wait, just wait... someone will soon read this and explode. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
New year revolutions...... 197 Posted April 2, 2020 Nice one I would hazard a guess you didn't write this though because theres not enough swearing in it Meanwhile the workers of wetherspoons have finally been offered better out of work 20% tops by tim whom I always thought was a decent chap lwe now need McDonalds franchise owners to do the same Screw the salesmen,it might make them wiser on their job path in the future Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
have a word with the wife 299 Posted April 2, 2020 (edited) On 4/2/2020 at 9:53 PM, LINGsCARS said: But wait, just wait... someone will soon read this and explode. Edited April 4, 2020 by have a word with the wife Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
have a word with the wife 299 Posted April 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, LINGsCARS said: Should've worked for Deliveroo? as in "don,t tell em pike " ? it can be removed if you wish Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
New year revolutions...... 197 Posted April 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, have a word with the wife said: as in "don,t tell em pike " ? it can be removed if you wish I would screw em let em steam 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LINGsCARS 24 Posted April 2, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, have a word with the wife said: as in "don,t tell em pike " ? it can be removed if you wish The dealers don't seem to want to go in to bat for the staff...where's the backbone? Personally, I'd pay it, claim it and then have the HMRC fight afterwards. Edited April 2, 2020 by LINGsCARS Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
have a word with the wife 299 Posted April 2, 2020 (edited) On 4/2/2020 at 10:38 PM, New year revolutions...... said: I would screw em let em steam Edited April 4, 2020 by have a word with the wife Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
New year revolutions...... 197 Posted April 2, 2020 2 minutes ago, have a word with the wife said: done, others could too I've p m erd Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
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